Newlywed Living: When She Leaves You

I saw it coming weeks, maybe months in advance. There was one time in mid-December, when she changed her mind (holiday spirit?) and she stayed. But not too long ago, my wife Sarah packed up her gear and left me.

For the weekend.

Sarah and Hope (an all-star 5th-grade teacher at Hall Memorial School in Connecticut) had been planning a holiday gift and wedding-album craft-creation-explosion-of-fun-times-exchange for months now and finally both were free and clear to make full use of their crafting superpowers.

And so when Sarah left for work that morning with her rolling orange suitcase in tow, I knew that I was on my own. And at this point you may be wondering why a grown-a** man (apologies for the profanity, I've been watching HBO's The Wire on DVD and am sort of addicted to what may be the greatest television show, ever) might be worried about a lonely weekend without his wife, let me assure you that there are problems.

These problems--unique to the married man--generally fall into two categories. With whom and what?

"With whom" problem #1: You can't go out with your single friends. I don't know about you, but if you are even a smidge like me, the single-scene wasn't fun when you were single, so going out as your friend's wing-man (providing he would even want your dopey married self hanging out with him), spending way too much money on drinks? And if perchance those days were fun for you (who are you?), how much fun is it going to be now with a ring on your finger? This is a lose-lose idea for nerds and cool-guys alike.

"With whom" problem #2: You can't go out with your married friends. Because as great as your married friends are, can you really imagine them wanting to hang out with you alone without your better half? I mean, I'm sure you are perfectly charming and nice and all, but who are you kidding? Plus, you don't want to be a third wheel either.

"What" problem #1: I don't care what your hipster female friends say, you cannot go to the movie theater by yourself. When she goes out to the movies by herself, this says, "I am a self-assured, independently strong woman who does what she wants, when she wants." When he goes out to the movies by himself, this says, "I am a sad little man who is all alone this weekend and has nothing strong and manly to do." It's also just feels a little creepy. It shouldn't and isn't, but there's a definite vibe broadcast by the single guy walking into a movie theater alone.

"What" problem #2: Going out to dinner by yourself? See above.

So what to do? As I see it, there are 3 must-do activities for the temporarily single man home alone for the weekend.

1. MAKE A MEAL OF IT! I love my wife, I really do. She is perfect in every way except one. Unfortunately, Sarah does not share my enthusiasm for "Breakfast for Dinner." Specifically pancakes and sausage drowning in butter and maple syrup (the real stuff on both accounts please). I can sometimes get her to indulge in pancakes (sans the maple nectar of the gods) for breakfast, but sharing a meal with someone who is just humoring you cuts down the tasty-goodness of an honest stack of fluffy pancakes by 38%. Roughly. So when she's gone for the weekend, it's just me, a box of Bisquick, a jug of Hillsboro Sugarworks Grade A Dark Amber Vermont maple syrup and some assortment of fried, salted pork products. P.S. When she is home alone, I think she has goat cheese parties. Yuck.

2. RENTAL MOVIE NIGHT MADNESS! Since you are married to the love of your life (you are, right?!), then there's a pretty good chance that you have pretty similar tastes when it comes to cinematic diversions. Well, with the wifey away, now is your time to indulge in the kinds of movies that you wouldn't necessarily see together. And I'm not just talking about your double secret desire to have your own personal "Bride Wars-27 Dresses-Made of Honor" marathon (oh, Patrick Dempsey, you're so McDreamy).

I'm also talking about the kind of movies that you are sort of curious about, but "so-so" or bad reviews made you and yours think better of spending valuable couple time and money on such celluloid fantasies. For me, this meant going to my computer and watching Spider Man 3 via the Netflix "Watch Instantly" service. While Sarah and I both enjoyed the first two Spider Man movies, I have to say, that I'm glad I spared her viewing the third installment of the trilogy. There are way too many good movies out there for us to see together.

3. SLEEP DIAGONALLY! I don't care if you two are world champion spooners, or that there is so much love in your heart that you don't mind her knees digging into the small of your back, or the occasional swift elbow to the temple when she roles over, having the whole bed to yourself is just--to borrow a British expression--brilliant. Sleeping diagonally is the best use of this sometimes-space in your bed. Clearly.

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN! What kinds of things do you do, when your loved one is off on his or her own adventures? I look forward to reading your comments.