Dad in Training: What's your name?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about names. Last time around it was easy. Our dog, adopted from the Thompkins County SPCA in Ithaca, NY, needed a name that wasn't also the name of an off-brand soda collective. It didn't take long for my whip-smart wife to crack off the perfect name. Penny. Short for Penelope. Loyal, clever and true, in Homer's Odyssey, Penelope put off suitor after suitor seeking her hand and the throne, while  waiting for her husband Ulysses to return home to Ithaca from his battles in the Trojan War. Plus, we both thought Penny was a pretty name.

Almost 2 years later, we've got to come up with another name. And this time Homer hasn't been quite as helpful. Our little guy, giving us the High Five in the picture on the right, is going to be ready to be called something other than the adorable nicknames he's already acquired come late July. (How adorable? Too adorable for public consumption of course. Think puppies sleeping or kittens snuggling. Or sleeping puppies snuggling with kittens.)

At first people were quick to offer up suggestions, but after a day or two that well dried up. Maybe, like clothes, it's more fun to shop for girl names? Or maybe it had to do with our rule that you could only suggest names you liked. People sometimes love telling you all the "crazy" names you should never name your child.

"Yes...no, of course not...we would never name our child 'Rumer' (pronounced 'rumor')." With thanks to comedian Jeff Foxworthy, "You might be a crazy celebrity parent if..."

Fortunately, our struggle is not unique, and the world-wide web offers us lists. Lists of the most popular names, searchable by year. But wait, my child is unique and special and better than your child, and I am a fiercely independent Gen X-er, so why would I ever consider a popular name? Okay, forget the internet--the internet is for commoners. There must be something else? Something ancient and mysterious and helpful? Books, you say? What are these ancient tomes you speak of? Tell me more.

Baby name books come in many sizes and shapes. They have über-clever titles like 50,000+ Baby Names! The Baby Name Bible, 100,000+ Baby Names, and my favorite, the ironically titled The Complete Reverse Dictionary of Baby Names: Baby Names Made Easy. I'll pause now for a minute or two while you try to wrap your head around the concept of a "reverse dictionary of baby names."

Got it yet? No me neither. Let's move on then.

Anything that calls itself a bible must be definitive right? Plus it's got "50,000+" names in it. FIFTY THOUSAND! But wait, this other book has "100,000+" names. If my math is correct, that is twice as many names.

Before we see what actual gems these books have to offer, can we briefly discuss the "+" part of all three of these book's titles or subtitles? I imagine that some worn out editorial assistant got all the way up to 50,000 or 100,000 and then said, "No more counting for me. I'm done." What would have happened if editor of the "100,000+" book took his or her clearly superior stamina over to the "50,000+" book publisher's office?

The bible is easier to navigate than the reverse dictionary. First, go to the back half of the book for boys names, pick a letter and start reading. Each name comes with an explanation for your more complete understanding. The following is an actual entry:

"CELLO. Word name. If Viola is a credible girl's name, why not the mellow Cello for a boy?" (pg. 350)

Yes, why not? What a helpful suggestion! Cello...so mellow. I don't know though, what if you feel--in your belly--that you are going to have an agile child with a wide range of interests...Basoon? Do you expect raising a child to be a challenge...then French Horn is definitely your name.

After reading this actual musical suggestion in an actual book that is available from actual retailers, I promptly announced to my wife that I would be writing a baby name book. And the following was my actual first entry (I swear, ask her):

DOOR. Word name. Strong and solid, Door will both keep you safe and welcome you into his heart.

Of course 100,000+ beat me to it. "Dor" as it turns out is actually a Hebrew name for boys that means "generation." (pg. 494)

So, despite the suspect math and loosely defined use of the phrase "baby names," I guess these books still have a place in the preparation phase of becoming a dad. Breeze past the names that aren't for you, and think more about the others that strike the right chord.

Feel free to post your suggestions in the comments section below.